but before the confession, i want to say "thank you" to all of you for your very sincere good wishes, thoughts and prayers. I appreciate so much the geniune comments from fellow adoptive families out there. It really means a lot to know that we aren't in it alone, and that we have good folks pulling for us. so, thanks!
now for the confession. I am not always nice. In fact, i have a gift (i think most women are born with this gift to a certain extent). A gift to make someone feel like absolute crap, the scum of the earth. Even make people cry with my meanness. this first time i remember using this gift for real was in about the 10th grade. I actually made one of my friend's fathers come to nearly tears because i was so mean (it was over something stupid...he told my friend she could participate in this church drama, and then backed out at the very last minute...and, in case you were wondering, she did attend in the end). I know, where were my parents, allowing me to talk to an adult like this...Trust me, they had no idea at the time, and when they did find out, it wasn't pretty. But anyway, i cultivated this terrible gift. I am now an expert at it. Not just in what I say, and i never ever swear, or even raise my voice. It's more in the manner of delivery. The condescending terriblesness just comes out. I've gotten myself into quite a bit of trouble with this, because i'm not so good at controlling it. It just starts to happen, and i can't stop myself. It is kind of at it's peak right now. I think the frustration with the adoption delays, and the I600, and the impending 6 weeks of travel to the mainland, and my great unhappiness at work right now, are all making it worse and worse. The dilemma for now is my meeting with the adoption agency. I don't want them to hate me (although i think they probably do), and i'm terrified the meanness is going to come out. My husband has already talked to me about trying to control it in the meeting, but i'm so concerned. I wish i could just speak to them rationally, but i don't know if i can. I feel such horrible anger towards them. I know everything is not their fault, but i am still just so angry at the situation, and I do sincerely believe that a lot of it is their fault.
I think the root of the problem might be anger. I'm not really sure. I don't get angry in the typical way. I don't yell, or throw things. I just become mean. Even to people I care about. I actually did enroll in an anger mgmt classs, but then never ended up going. So, i wondered if anybody out there has this problem. Any good suggestions for books or dealing mechanisms. I want to be nice to everyone, and i do believe deep down I am a nice person. And i know you get much farther in life by making friends, not enemies. So I'm not quite sure what to do...
Juneau
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8 comments:
First of all this totally cracked me up for some reason. Second I really truly remember being where you are right now. I remember feeling so angry, I remember knowing that most of it was the fault of my agency, too. That sucks. I hope your meeting goes well and you can have some peace for at least a little while.
Just remember the end you are seeking. You want your daughter, so don't do or say anything that could possibly impact that in a negative way.
And, you are right - all too many of us women have this gift.
Oh my gosh, are we related?? I have that SAME super power - the one where you can make anyone anywhere feel like dirt. I always feel like crap about myself after I do it, but in the heat of a moment, I have NO control. Like the Hulk.
Hehehe. Em, you really make me smile sometimes. Hang in there - you do deserve to be angry. I feel it too, I just don't have the *opportunity* to unleash it on my agency since they're half way across the country!
It is kind of funny because your writing makes you sound really sweet! I think a large amount of us PAP's experience wicked anger at our agencies. I know I do, and I am generally not an angry person!
I say if you think (not feel but think) your agency has done wrong, know what you need to tell them before you go into the meeting. If you feel like you may blow, step out of the room and get a drink or use the restroom, recollect, and go back in.
I cannot imagine anything you would do or say could impact you getting your child. It is important to hold your agency accountable for what they are or are not doing. As PAP's we can easily feel vulnerable and doubt ourselves. Hang in there!!!
If you were a terrible person, you wouldn't feel badly after you did it- but you do, your conscience kicks in.
I think it's easier to learn to be nice than it is to learn to stick up for yourself.
Good luck at the meeting with the agency. They are trained professionals who have vowed to help you adopt your daughter, so I am sure everything will be just fine.
You are not a bad person, we all have a bit of that person in us! I am sure you will be fine with the agency and I am pretty sure they do not hate you!
Don't be too hard on yourself. I guess just keep asking yourself "would I be saying this if my daughter were abel to hear or read it" That always keeps me in check.
Funny how we will better ourselves not for our benefit, but for our children's benefit!
I think that 5 years in the Army only sharpened that super Jedi bitchiness to an art form for me.
I think you've been through a lot--receiving a referral so early and then having to wait for so long. I know that I would snap like a twig with all of the new guidelines if that were the case...just remember that when you meet with your agency, it's all about getting a baby that was legally placed for adoption. Try to take the emotions away, just like you have to do at work some times.
Will keep you in our prayers.
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