First off, I wanted to say you guys are awesome! Thanks for the wonderful, insightful, and honest comments about homeschooling. I really enjoyed reading about your personal experiences and opinions. thank you so much for taking the time to share.
My day has started out pretty crappy. "a few days" that were told to expect a referral has now turned into 2 weeks. Which is actually 4 weeks from the time we were told " afew days". See email from agency below that i recieved when i got to work this a.m.
"I spoke with Charlie about the baby referral. He tells me that we should have the referral within the next two weeks. I asked why the delay and he said that the Chairman Minister of Justice in Hanoi has been out of town and that this official needs to do something with our license with Thanh Hoa before they can release the child. The Minister should be back this week. Charlie and everyone involved is well aware that we are asking for a baby, female, as young as possible. I know this is frustrating, being so close. I am frustrated as well, but I will ask Charlie to please stay on this and to get me the child information as soon as possible."
I worked a very long and busy 24 hour shift on Wednesday, then came home on Thursday and couldn't sleep b/c I was so sure our referral was going to come (this was before the email above). I took like a 15 minute nap with my phone in 1 hand and my pager in the other. but of course no calls.
So this morning I brought several big baskets of treats to work for the nurses (it is nurses week this week). It took me a really long time to get them all put together, and I put a lot of thought/work into the gifts. I had made 2 for labor and delivery, one for the GYN ward, and one for the OB ward. I brought it to our little morning meeting, where the attendings and residents all get together and discuss the prior day/evenings events, and told the residents/attendings about the gifts, and passed around cards for everyone to sign. So first thing, the chief of the dept says "well, what about the clinic nurses". indeed, i had neglected to make one for the clinic nurses. I have barely set foot in clinic this year, and just forgot. But i was so devestated because i worked so hard to make something nice, and instead of saying "thanks for putting this together", it was just this mean tone like "you are so unthoughtful, i can't believe you didn't even think about the clinic nurses". So anyway, L&D only got 1 basket, and i gave the other one to clinic, no worries. But i got all teary and practically started crying in front of everyone because even after all of my work to get this put together for the nurses, it still came across looking like i did something really horrible.
which brings me to the whole crying thing. I cry all the time. not really all the time, but more at all the WRONG times. I cry when i am frustrated, or when i am dissappointed in myself for doing something wrong. Unfortunately, as a resident those things happen frequently. I hate the fact that i cry so much in front of people. especially as a doctor (still a male dominated field) and also because i am in the army (Definately a male dominated field, and these are like tough-guy types). Once, a patient hurt my feelings so badly (she felt i had acted uncaring towards her) that i burst out in tears right in front of her. It's like i can't help it. the harder i try to hold it in, the more impressive the actual crying part is. it's terrible. anyway, long story short, a simple comment about forgetting the clinic nurses caused the whole tears thing. it's so embarrassing when that happens. I once had a professor in med school who said she had the same problem. Finally she just learned to embrace the fact that she cried in front of people, and she learned to be ok with it. i don't think i will ever get to that point.
so, another 2 weeks until referral. I wanted more than anything to have that baby girl's picture in my hand when i went to see my family in Ohio. It just makes it more real. Now that won't happen. maybe i will try to think of something fun to do tomorrow to take my mind off it. There is a huge community garage sale tomorrow, so maybe i will find some good deals.
Juneau
15 comments:
I used to be a crier like that. Somehow, over the years, I've gotten over it. I think it started in college when one day I had this huge epiphany that it was o.k. if I wasn't perfect all the time, and I couldn't control how people treated me even I was perfect, so I had to just let it go. It's not like that's anything I hadn't known before, it's just that for some reason it finally really sunk in.
The baskets sound great, so just give yourself a pat on the back for all of the effort you put into them and tell yourself the rude guy's rudeness is his problem, not yours. Hang in there -- all this waiting stuff is hard. My husband is about ready to throw in the towel.
Emilie, I can tell that you are really struggling. I know this waiting is hard. I often think it would be better if our agencies would not give us times frames becuase then we get our hopes up only to have them dashed again and again. I say let those tears flow girl!
Hi Emilie, I have been enjoying reading your blog. Funny that you mention the minister being out of town. Our agency is waiting for its license in Vietnam, and we just got an email from them saying that the minister is involved with elections and won't be available until the 20th of May (aka... 2 weeks.) So at least there may be some truth to that. Imagine... only one person in an entire country to move things along. It is what it is... and so we wait. Best wishes to you... and don't worry about crying... I cry at the drop of a hat... but I didn't cry at my wedding, I don't cry at funerals and all the other "appropriate" places. People who show emotions as they come are true beings... and there is nothing embarrassing about that.
sorry... one more thing... what did the chief bring in for nurses week again???? Yeah... I thought so
I'm another one that cries in odd places (not your standard, weddings, movies, funerals, etc.) Usually it is because I've expedted to much out of myself and I've let myself down. It stinks and is embarrassing much of the time. I'm getting better at dealing with it though. Waiting for a referral, one that is this close would have me a wreck, I'd say your doing really well!
One thing to remember too, if Charlie is Vietnamese, there is a cultural thing you'll run into sometimes. They always give you the best scenario, what they hope for, and really try hard to not tell you anything disappointing. It is not that they lie, don't read it that way as that certainly isn't it. They are very optimistic people and hate to disappoint anyone. We here in the US tend to put the pressure on for facts and results, but in Vietnam it simply doesn't work. At times they will tell you what they know you want to hear, make it as close to possible as they can without being a lie, and avoid confrontation. It's confusing and it sounds very much like what might have happened. One of the interesting parts of working with another culture.
If you end up going to the Asian festival while in OH, we'll be there on Sat and I'd love to meet up. Perhaps a baby fix might help (it is the only way I survived 2006, holding any baby I could...and I didn't even specifically ask for a baby!!!)
long comment, sorry...it's a bad habit of mine
We had an issue like that where someone went out of town on vacation right in the middle of getting all our paperwork done. I was none too happy!!! But by this time next year, you won't even remember it.
I'm with Jenn....if you're going to be in Ohio when the Asian Festival takes place, come hang out with us!! Getting a baby fix might be just what the doctor ordered (haha).
OMG do I know that feeling Emilie. I was always SO embarrassed about being so emotional and having very little control over it. Can I tell you the worst time was on my OB/Gyn rotation when a surgeon broke srub in the OR to grab me, squeeze my shoulders like an angry, abusive dad, and shook me repeatedly?! He was yelling "listen to what I say, your life would be much better if you did..." all because I wasn't cutting his sutures fast enough on my first day in the OR! Needless to say, the second that surgery was done, I found a corner and started SOBBING uncontrolably. Worst part about my crying is it leaves my face bright red and puffy for about 2 hrs. EVERYONE knew, and a few nurses found me and made such a scene.
I am so sorry you're going through such a crappy time. It'll all be better in a few weeks and you won't believe how low you had been so recently. You're such a trooper Em! Hang in there, Juneau is out there somewhere and you're going to find her very soon. I just know it.
UGH! Why is this so hard?!? I'm hoping the next two weeks FLY by! I too find myself crying all of the time...I think we get some of the same hormone changes that pregnant women get. Anyway, here's hoping for some news (for both of us)! Take Care!
I can be a crier too. I normally do it when I get very angry, it'd better than ringing someones neck though!!!
I hope you get some good referral news ASAP!!!
I can sympathize with the crying--my first 2 years in the Army I got teased a lot for bursting into tears at odd moments.
After a while, I found that the tears made me human and compassionate. I also found that sometimes you just need to walk away. It was always worst when I was under a ton of stress.
What are you doing your residency in?
I can identify with the crying thing. I want to say how thoughtful it was of you to put those baskets together, and how much I am sure the nurses appreciated it!
I know how embarrassing it can be to cry at seemingly inappropriate times, it is a terrible feeling when the tears come and you can't stop them. I think it must be even more stressful in medicine than other professions because, well, you are dealing with life and death.
I do think that as you gain more experience and wisdom and confidence as a dr. and a mother, you will probably cry less--well at least in situations like that. Motherhood is very empowering, once you learn to trust your instincts!
I really hope you get news soon. It can't be much longer!
You know, I was thinking some more...I think that many times it is a sign of strength, NOT weakness, to be vulnerable enough to cry. Especially for drs. I still remember when the neonatologist came to my room at 26 weeks to talk about what we would face if my baby was born then. He stood 10 feet! away from the bed, and barely made eye contact as the tears came and I tried to remain composed enough to ask questions. What a total jackass. Why would someone like that even pick a specialty, where, duh, you are going to be dealing with emotional parents? Anyway, I think there are very appropriate times for drs. to be comfortable with tears.
Ok it's May 24th, I can't believe there's apparently STILL no news! You guys must be so frustrated.
Still no news? I will keep checking in.
I cry in front of people all the time- if they upset me I don't care. I notice that people tend to go out of there way to help you if you are crying, but if you are yelling and mad they will be defensive and blame you. Anyway, the army makes me cry all the time. All of it policies and procedures and stupidity. At least you get to be in Hawaii. M did a rotation at Tripler and I came along. It was amazing!
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