I think there is something pretty obvious about our referral that has some people (including us!) asking questions. Juneau was less than 2 weeks when we got her picture and referral. I recently received a very nice email from a fellow adoptive parent, who wanted to be sure that I was aware of the problems that can arise from receiving this type of referral. I do want to say that I really appreciate that as fellow PAPs and APs we can bring up this kind of stuff with each other.
So, here’s the deal. We don’t know why we got a referral of such a young child. We do know that it would be impossible for her to have completed the 30 day waiting period for her birthmom to step up, or the 30 day waiting period for a local family to request to adopt her. Yes, the chances of these things happening are pretty slim, but still exist. So we are terrified that this little baby girl we have already started to love has a small chance of not coming home with us.
I think this is what happened. Our agency is very small. We are actually one of the very first (if not the first) families to get a referral. One other family has traveled, but they accepted the referral of a waiting child through our agency, not really a referral the standard way. As you know, we have been #1 on the waiting list since January. We have been promised an imminent referral for the last several months, with nothing coming through. I believe our in-country facilitator was “promised” this referral to go to our agency, and since we were the #1 family, we got the referral. Our agency was very anxious to send us the referral since we have been waiting for so long. I know that our baby will go through the waiting periods required, so it will probably be quite a while until we travel, and I do know that we are at higher risk for something going wrong, since we have been given a “soft referral”. Please please please read this post. It is really informative and has some wonderful info: Soft referrals vs. firm referrals at adoption integrity. Special thanks to Nicki, Christina and Gretchen for running this awesome resource!
So, yes we do have a referral. Yes, it is a soft referral. Yes, I am terrified that something will happen until it becomes a firm referral. No, my agency didn’t tell me it was a soft referral, I had to discover that on my own. Yes, I will be informing my agency of why I think they should only give firm referrals. They are a great agency , just very new to Vietnam adoption (and very old to china adoption, where things are oh so different). I truly believe they are acting out of ignorance, not deception. I think (and I really really really hope) that they will be receptive to what I have to say. And hopefully I can express my concerns in a kind, non-confrontational type of way.
So, there you have it
Juneau
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13 comments:
Yikes Emilie, I hope that everything goes OK with the referral and she comes home happy and healthy to you and Cris!
Gosh I wish you didn't have to worry about this. I will be hoping and praying for you.I'll cross my fingers and toes too!!
Best wishes,
Tamara
I was afraid of that when I saw your referral post. I am so glad you are going to say something to your agency so others won't have to go through this worry. Hoping and Praying that you have no troubles with your beautiful daughter.
I am sorry that you are in this position. Thankfully the chances seem to be very good that she will in fact be your daughter. We are now number #1 on our agency's list, and while I want to know as much as possible, I have also not really nailed down the Vn. coordinator about how many babies are in the orphanage etc. I know myself and I know that I would obsess over everything that could go wrong if our referral wasn't rock solid.
On the bright side, your baby will be still so little when you bring her home--that is fabulous!
Hope your conversation with your agency goes well!
I have SO much respect for you for this post. I cringe when I come across so many people who seem to turn a blind eye to the possibilities of what may be happening in this arena right now. I think your theory is right - your agency had been thinking they were close to giving you a referal for some time, knew how anxious you were, are new in the program in VN, and moved things along before all the ducks were really in a row so to speak. Hopefully it will all work out ok and they can learn some different ways to approach it all next time. I wish you the best of luck, and am really enjoying your blog! Also - thanks for sharing the airline seat map website on the yahoo group - it's awesome and I hadn't run across it before!
I think it was groovy that you wrote this out. But sorry that you have to explain this to other folks.
Hi Emilie, came to the blog from your post (airlines) on the board. Reading your blog, sounds so much like me! My family is in Ohio, we have a Prius AND an Odyssey (which I LOVE), and I have a cousin named Sicily! I'd like to email with you regarding your referral (and other things related to that). We're just starting our process now, going through the huge packet of forms and things to start gathering. I have a blog too: www.sagerzoo.blogspot.com and email is shelliesager@hotmail.com Shellie
Emilie,
We've all gone through so many ups and downs--I really hope that everything will go smoothly and your little girl will be home in a few months. Wishing you good karma every step of the way!
I'll say a little prayer that all works out as it should! I'm hopeful that there won't be anything major along the way and you will get your little Juneau home!
I think it will be fine. I was kinda in the same boat but with older babies, 3 months and it worked out smoothly. We had to wait the 30 days for the finding add to be run, once that was completed, we were all packaged up and good to go!!! I do hope it works out and that the time goes by quickly!
Thanks for explaining this. I was lucky enough to see your adorable little girl the other day, so a huge congratulations to you!!
Good for you for doing your research, really understanding what you are faced with and accepting it for what it is. So many other parents would just try to justify it away which does no one any favors! I am sure you are already in love with your sweet baby. Fingers crossed for a smooth wait!
I'm really impressed that you are looking at things in an honest, objective way and even more impressed that you are going to speak to your agency about this. I think too many PAPs are afraid to speak up or rock the boat.
My biggest concern with soft referrals like this is that the waiting periods might be just a matter of going through the motions, rather than truly working to find birthfamily and reunite them or making a sincere effort to do a domestic placement. International adoptions are so much easier and more profitable for the orphanage and the agency and there is so little impetus for them to do anything else.
But I understand your view and I hope that everything works out for the best, for all of you.
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